Chad and I have always had a pretty good relationship. No real fights, none of that break up then get back together BS.
But the one thing that is finally starting to cause some friction between the two of us is my weight.
Now, for those of you that are fairly new followers and may not know, over the past 5 years or so, I've gained about 80 pounds. Disgusting. I've moved from chubby, to chunky, to overweight and into the almost obese category. I hate saying that and knowing it's the truth.
I've tried a lot of things. I did Weight Watchers. It worked for a few weeks, but tracking points is hard when you're busy. I did medifast. It worked real well too, but the food tasted like crap, which made it almost impossible to stick to. I try to go to the gym, but I have to go alone because Chad won't go with me.
Long story short, I've been having a hell of a time losing weight and keeping it off.
Lately, Chad has been getting meaner and meaner about it. I mean, I understand that he's frustrated with my weight. I'm 100 times more frustrated than he is, I promise you that. But he seriously will just be a complete jerk about it. Last night it got really bad. He started saying that all I do is sit around on the couch and I don't do anything. Not only is that not helpful, it's not true. Between the two of us, I do all the cooking and cleaning. My weekends usually consist of at least one whole day of cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and doing laundry.
And he bitches about how I don't eat healthy like I should. Well, that's true sometimes, don't get me wrong. I do slip from my healthy eating habits. Especially during the holidays. But he doesn't help. When he wants to eat at the bar, or have a pizza, that doesn't help me. It's hard for me to say no to those things because I WANT them, so when HE is the one suggesting it, somehow it makes me feel like it's okay.
So, when he gets on my case about not losing weight, not only is it frustrating for me, but it's also hurtful. REALLY hurtful. I was crying my eyes out last night trying to explain to him that it really makes me feel shitty when he talks to me the way he does about my weight loss. I've asked him hundreds, maybe even THOUSANDS of times to give me support, but he doesn't think he needs to. I've begged him to join the gym with me, just to use the weights or something while I run on the treadmill... just to BE there with me. No. He doesn't NEED to lose weight, he says. He doesn't NEED to go to the gym. Fine. I ask him to walk down to town and back with me. No, he doesn't want to walk down town. He'll walk around the block with me, but he thinks it's stupid for me to walk to town and go to the coffee stand and walk back. Even though I explained to him that i walk down there for the exercise, NOT for the coffee stand. If I just wanted a fucking latte, I'd get my ass in the car and DRIVE there. He'll tell me how slow I am and how he could run a 5k faster than me and better than me, but he refuses to actually do one with me.
This is the shit I'm talking about.
After last night me crying myself to sleep. He gets up early and goes hunting this morning. Good effing riddance. I was so mad at him and hurt by him, I really didn't feel like seeing his face. I slept in. I got up. Took Buck for a walk. Cleaned. Did laundry. Washed dishes.
Then he calls and sheepishly asked me what I was planning for the day. I could tell that he was treading softly because he knew I was upset still. We ended up going shopping to spend some Christmas gift cards.
As we drive to Sears, he sees and Pizza Hut and starts talking about how he wanted pizza. Or Taco Bell. I couldn't help myself, I had to say "Really Chad? Should we get pizza so you can yell at me about being fat again when we get home?" He just doesn't get it. Things go okay for the remainder of our shopping trip until I mention to him that i am going to get more of the individual Cheerio serving bowl things. He starts in on me about how I shouldn't have to get the individual serving size bowls, how I should have enough self control to just get a box of cheerios and not eat them all. I freak the eff out again and explain that if i had enough self control, I wouldn't weigh 200+ pounds.
Anyways, after a silent car ride home, the tension has passed. But I'm still frustrated and hurt that he refuses to give me positive support, and all he knows how or is willing to do is yell at me and tell me all the things I do wrong, and nothing about what I do right.
That's all I have to say right now.
4 comments:
Oh Carly, I am so so sorry that you're going through this! It's so hard not to have a support system in this weight loss journey, and it blows. I'm totally here for you if you ever need to let off steam about weight loss roadblocks. Seriously, I know how it feels, and I screamed my head off at my family because they just scolded me for eating xyz instead of being supportive. I back you up 110%, and I know you can do this! I'm rooting you on, and you can totally do this!
I'm sorry that you are feeling so unhappy with your weight. :( Even though I don't really know you (I have followed your blog for a few months) it makes me sad that someone you love makes you feel so awful. I have struggled with my weight for awhile and when I finally started losing weight, I moved from Florida to New York and lost all of my support and gained some lbs. back.
The thing that works best for my motivation to keep going is having a friend for support. I am constantly texting my good friend who lives in another state and she keeps me motivated. We will plan to go to the gym at the same time and then we will call and chat about it afterwards or we will have a skype dinner date and cook the same healthy dinner. Fun little things that help remind me that I'm not alone, even though I live in a new city and sometimes feel that way.
Maybe you can set something like that up with a friend?
I think that 2012 is going to be your year, or at least I hope it is :)
I'm sorry girl! I can't believe that he won't support you during a time when you need it! I hope that this is just a little blurp and it'll pass soon! Good luck with your weight loss, I'm rooting for you!
I'm a new follower, but I just wanted to let you know that you are a beautiful person, whether you're 100lbs or 300lbs. Seriously. And you deserve to be with someone who will support you through thick and thin! Weight loss can be so frustrating, I know! But it's the person you are that really matters, not the number on the scale. Best of luck to you, and I look forward to following your blogs :)
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