Monday, January 30, 2012

This Sh*t is Getting Redonk

I've had quite a few people ask me "Carly, if you can't get your foot bandage wet, how do you manage to stay so fresh and so clean clean?" (Actually, that's a lie, nobody's asked me that. But Imma tell you anyway).

Over the years I have mastered the art of washing my hair by leaning over the tub and just holding the shower head... easy peasy (as long as you have a shower head that isn't completely attached to your shower wall, obviously that wouldn't be so simple). 

However, even with my complete lack of activity this past week, I have started to feel quite disgusting. I mean, you can only feel so clean when you have to just use a washcloth and basically sponge bathe yourself. Not my cup of tea.

So this weekend, I'd had enough. I decided I would attempt a dip in the tub (the  bathtub, not the hot tub, since I don't have one). So, I light a candle in the bathroom (for ambiance) and I turn on the shower to fill the tub up (our actual bathtub spigot is all kinds of jacked up) and let it go for a good 30 minutes (because that's how long it takes to fill up our larger than average soaking tub). I even brought a TV tray in and set it up next to the tub, complete with my cell phone, my book, and a camping lantern (because my parents didn't plan well enough and the light over the tub is equivalent to that scary cave in Harry Potter), completely convinced that I would relax, read a book, and hey, maybe even catch some Zzzzs in addition to becoming squeaky clean again.

Next step: Prepare the foot, just in case of splashing.
No kids, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. That is my foot, wrapped in two plastic safeway bags, and secured with lime green duct tape. We keep it classy up in herrr.

Now, my plan was to get in the tub, and rest my foot up on the right side. No big deal. But then my mom pops in and she had this GREAT idea (no sarcasm, for real) to put something like a board across the tub so my fat foot would have something a little more substantial than the 2 inch lip of the tub to rest on. Now, we were both too lazy to actually go find a board outside (besides, I don't need yard junk falling off a 2x4 into my nice relaxing bath), so my mom came up with a brilliant idea. We would use one of the crutches that we got specifically to aid in my recovery. So, she attached a small pillow to it with an ace bandage and some packing tape and, VOILA! My leg rest:
We're smart women, I know.

Now, all that's left to do is climb in. LET THE FUN BEGIN.

First of all, I should tell you that, since it takes such an absurd amount of time to fill the tub with the shower head, I had the water on as hot as it would go. So I go to get in and immediately poach my left leg. No big. I clamber back out and turn the shower head back on to COLD water and even it out a little bit. Crisis averted. 

So I get the majority of my body into the tub and am only left with the awkward movement required to swing my injured leg up and over the edge of the tub.
Cut to the rest of my body sliding with the force of my movement and me slamming the back of my head on the edge of the tub. Cool.

Anyways, so I get my leg up on the crutch pillow. And the rest of my body just sliiiiiddddeeeesss on down. Did I mention my tub is HUGE. It's an extra deep, jetted, 5 foot long soaking tub. This means that while one of my legs is up in the air, it is VERY hard to keep the rest of my body stationary and keep my head from just sliding under the water. 

At this point, it has become obvious that I am NOT going to get any good reading in. So I opt to just try to get clean. I was smart enough to get my loofah off the hook and toss it in the tub BEFORE getting in. So I grab it and squirt what's left of my coconut lime verbena body wash onto it and begin furiously scrubbing the only thing I really can... the iodine stained area just below my right knee.
It wouldn't come off.
After splashing around for a little while longer attempting to get a little cleaner, I decided that my efforts were all in vain and I might as well quit while I was ahead.
Now for the hard part.

Getting back OUT of the tub.

So, I sit there for a little while trying to figure out the physics and the logistics behind what I was about to attempt. Finally I think I have a plan. I slide the crutch as far away from me as possible, and attempt to slide up and swing my right leg out of the tub at the same time. 
It looked something similar to wildlife shows when the crocodile hunter pounces and there is crazy flailing and water flying everywhere. 
Eventually I manage to get out of the tub (but not before my crutch splashing and my leg pillow getting soaked), and immediately water starts streaming down my leg and right into my shopping bag protection. So much for that idea.

Anyways, that was my first and, so far, last attempt at a thorough cleansing during this whole ordeal. 
I thought you might like to hear about it. You're welcome.


Faison said...

Girl, you made me laugh out loud! I love this! I broke my left foot a few years ago, so I know the trash bag + duct tape all too well. Literally, I don't think any leg hair has grown back from the taped areas. Is that a plus? I guess so. I hope you feel better soon!

Jamie said...

Not fun!