Thursday, July 11, 2013

My Reasons

Tomorrow is going to be a GLORIOUS day! Not just because it's Friday, but also because I have a doctor's appointment.
I think I've made it pretty obvious that I am really discouraged by my lack of weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect miracles or quick fixes. As I've gotten older (and heavier), I've realized that those miracle cures and the "lose 5 pounds in 3 days" diets aren't the way to go. I know it has to be a lifestyle change, something sustainable that will continue to work until I have reached a happy weight.
So I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. She is going to talk over some options with me. There are medications that she can prescribe me that may be able to get my metabolism going and suppress my appetite... I'm skeptical, but hopeful.

So, in honor of this appointment, I thought I would share with you my reasons for wanting to lose weight. I know it probably seems really obvious "You want to lose weight to be skinnier", but that's not where it ends... I want to be skinnier for specific reasons.

To be able to shop with my friends (or in general) without leaving depressed.
I mean shop for clothes. In the same stores. In the same section.
I usually go shopping by myself for clothes, for the simple reason that it's embarassing for me. It's horrible for me to be shopping with a friend and to have them try on 5 things, look good in all of them, and be done in 15 minutes. I take hanger after hanger into the fitting room, item after item being rejected, and walking out of the store with nothing but a pair of sunglasses and nailpolish. It's like having your dreams crushed... you go into that fitting room with all these things that you love love LOVE, and having to hand them back to the fitting room attendant and just knowing deep down that they know you aren't buying them because they look bad.
One time I went shopping with Kristine and we both went into the fitting rooms with our arms loaded down. I tried on a sweater and said to myself "oh, this looks pretty good" and put it in my "to buy" pile. Then I tried something else on and we stepped out of our rooms to show each other what we had on. She was wearing the sweater I was getting... I was crushed, not because we liked the same sweater (shit, that just means we have good taste!), but because I saw the way it looked on her and I couldn't help but say to myself "that's the way it's supposed to look..."
Or the time I was shopping with my sister at Target and we were heading towards the fitting rooms. On the way there, I saw a shirt that seemed like it would be flattering and I picked it up. It was a maternity shirt. And ya know what, it was the only damn thing I tried on that looked good on me. How humiliating.

To not feel judged by what you eat.
This should be an okay thing... feeling like I'm being judged should deter me from eating bad things. But it literally makes me paranoid anytime I'm eating. I feel like If I go out to eat and have something other than a salad or grilled chicken - noskinoilorflavorplease - the waiters or people I'm eating with will be saying to themselves "of course she would order that". I even judge MYSELF by what I eat. If I have a cheat day and have my beloved shells and cheese after a 5k, I mentally beat myself up over it for the rest of the day. Or if I have dessert, I regret it for the rest of the night.
I just want to be able to eat what I want (within reason) without feeling like everything I am working for is getting pushed farther and farther away.

So Chad can be proud to call me his.
I know people probably think that this is more of an insecurity... a fear that I'm going to lose Chad to some skinny girl. Honestly, this isn't it. Granted, my weight has been an issue between us, but not because of the number on the scale. Chad has been frustrated in the past by the fact that I would say all these things about how I wanted to lose weight, but I wasn't really doing as much about it as I should have been. That's changed these past 6 months or so, and he acknowledges that I'm working hard, he doesn't complain about the food I decide to cook him. But I still want to give him more. I want him to be able to be proud to hold my hand in public. To get that sense of gloating (yes, gloating) when other guys comment on how good I look (HEY, a girl can dream, yeah?)

To be able to do things normal people can do.
I mean the little things. Like bend over to tie my shoes without losing my ability to breathe because my stomach is in the way. To squeeze behind someone's chair in a restaurant without having to worry about brushing my belly up on their back (SICK).

Anyways, this isn't me wanting to have a pity party for myself. It's just me trying to give you a glimpse into the things that go through my mind. That I have REAL reasons for wanting to lose weight... It's not just something that I keep talking about to put up a good front and make people THINK I'm serious about losing weight. This is the real deal for me.

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